Mar 31 - SHE'S FUNNY THAT WAY

On this national holiday we can take time to the women that make us laugh.

I could talk about celebrity comedian women who completely slay me, like Ellen Degeneres or Tina Fey, or, I turn back time a tick and speak of Lucille Ball and brilliant Carol Burnett.  But you know, all women have a humourous side (some more than others) and some make us laugh all year long!  I am going to give homage to ... *drum roll here*

Angela, who randomly texts me dirty pictures.  Of herself.  Naked.  Just kidding, it's just hilarious stuff and I can't give you details because they are ALMOST as bad as her sending me dirty pictures of herself naked!  Really.









Julie, who makes me giggle with every email because she knows JUST what to say to ME that will make me spew my beverage over the computer screen.  I also can't give an example here because either you wouldn't understand it anyway ... or you'd read it out loud and someone you know might know her.  ;-)  But Julie has some technology to replace over here.












April, who was apparently born with a few more funny bones than the rest of us.  About everything.  She enjoys life and truly appreciates the funny side of it.  And ... some people are just. that. clever. I hate you, April.  I want to BE you.  *wink*







So here I gave homage to three women who are only celebrities to those who know them.  They are all great writers, too, of course.  There is a special throne in the afterlife for you three ... Angela, yours will of course be in hell (love you, bitch).

Mar 30 - The Grass is Always BROWNER on the Other Side of the Fence Day

If any blessing (relationships, work, heck - LIFE) may not seem that much of a blessing at times ... today is the day to see the good in them.  English speakers know the expression, "The Grass is Always Greener ..." blah blah blah ... because many people DO tend to think there is something always better, well, definitely NOT where they are!

Today is a holiday to be an optimist for once and to appreciate where you are instead of being selfish or greedy or envious of other lives.  And yes, I am talking to myself.  Just because something or someone may sound "better" it is almost ALWAYS proven that things aren't exactly as they seem.

P.S.  This is also NATIONAL I AM IN CONTROL DAY.  So today I will take control of any possible negativity and reflect on my many, many blessings.  Aaaaand probably feel a little bit guilty about any lack of appreciation of them, but that's a challenge for another day.  One step at a time!

Mar 29 - SMOKE & MIRRORS DAY

The phrase “It’s all smoke and mirrors’ refers to the way in which magicians use all manner of distraction to make sure the audience fails to see what’s really going on.  A (sorta) appropriate lead in to April Fool's Day, it is a day in which the disguising or elaborating of the truth of a situation with confusing or unconnected information can be elaborated and on this day, erm, celebrated?  Geez, THIS year the day is also an incredibly appropriate lead in to choosing presidential candidates, isn't it?  And I mean ALL of them ... yes, even the one for which I choose to send my vote.

I mean, really.  I know I don’t need to explain this away, but when either a person or corporate entity make an offer "look" eye-catching with “window dressing” when it really isn't - but in reality they are only using s and m (see wha' i did there, woops lol) to distort --- it seems it is so they can keep holding the carrot on the stick in front of you! Hmm, kinda like a Jedi mind trick, m’i right?

I am not even going to attempt to actually talk about all of the LIARS I know and adore, but still doubt absolutely everything they say.  That's where my mind goes when I think "smoke and mirrors" so ... it may sound hoity toity, but I really don't want to celebrate that.

But, as in the cyber notice above, I would not say no to that wine.  ;)

Mar 28 - Weed Appreciation Day

Dangit, you mean actual WEEDS?  I was certainly hoping for "the one day 'weed' is not illegal for states where it is" ... or something along those lines.  Instead it is about how weeds are an important part of the ecosystem.  Cool.  Cool.  I can run with that.

I was just considering how much fun it was as a child to pull dandelions up and blow them away.  I am pretty sure there is also dandelion tea and wine, both of which I have never tasted but I plan to remedy that.   I appreciate that many weeds are edible, a good source of vitamins, and that wildlife loves weeds -- or that they attract beneficial ladybugs.  Even milkweed is food for the lovely monarch butterfly!  So hey, maybe it is time to embrace weeds or focus on some of the health qualities they have for common problems.  Who knows, we may have been using herbicide on the freaking cure for cancer!  After all, some weeds are the most beautiful "flowers" in our yard.  Okay, I will appreciate weeds today.  Maybe I'll eat a dandelion.

It is also Be Mad Day, by the way.  So I am also going to be mad that it wasn't "WEED" Appreciation.  Throw me a bone, people!

Mar 27 - Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

Let's just get this out of the way now.  Some of my family and really good friends know this, but I don't just throw it out there.  I live in Nashville and I am not at ALL a fan of country music.  I deeply appreciate the artists - the performers and the writers - shoot, some of them are my good friends -- but really and truly, I am just not a fan.

When I first moved to Nashville a friend said to me that I could not live here without loving country music eventually ... to which I responded, "Watch me."  And that wasn't even a challenge because I actually went to concerts and started listening to it to get used to it, like it, and maybe eventually start listening.

This failed.

I even appreciate that most tell a really good story.  *sigh*

Okay, so, even though these quirky song titles can be a humourous giggle, it is not why I am not a fan of this music genre.  Some artists have no southern drawl and some tend toward a rock country style and that's fine and all, but no offense to country music.  I'm sorry!!  I tried, really.  I think it's okay that it just still is not my preference.  I like U2, classic rock, jazz, and showtunes.  My bad.  I have lived here for over 10 years.  Maybe there is still hope for me?

That being said, here are some of the quirky song titles that make me giggle snort a little.  Okay ... A LOT.

On Lost Love:

If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger 

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You 

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the Way to Sears

All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down 

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump 

I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home

On Cheating Hearts:

Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (yes, that IS the correct spelling) 

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 

I Still Miss You Baby ...  But My Aim is Getting Better 

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 

Mmm, Sorta Spiritual:

Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life)

I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car 

I love these.  Some are absolutely hysterical.  I even looked for another common country music theme which is ... dogs (besides ones about love defensive biting dogs as in the first group).  But thank HEAVEN there are no stupid titles about dogs because most all of them are about, yes, dead dogs.

I could not remember nor find a quirky country song that's just about love.  Except for one jewel: Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed  *snort!*

Oh, there are  more, people.  WAY more.  Anyway ...
SO.  If you wanted to write a funny country song title about one of these topics, what would it be?

March 24-26 : Just Read Below

March 24 is … National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
March 25 is … Pecan Day and Waffle Day
March 26 is … Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival Day

I have no doubt, no doubt at all, that the boys in our house would opt for the holidays on the 24th and 25th over the spinach on the 26th.  Since I am on a diet, I think it is HIGHLY appropriate that today is also MAKE UP YOUR OWN HOLIDAY Day considering that I am going to do just that.  I will throw away the "rule book" (as if there is one) and put on my thinking cap.  Although I personally think today should be CHECK YOUR MAIL NAKED DAY, everyone should celebrate, and there should be no legal repercussions, I am instead going to go with something more familiar.  NATIONAL HASHTAG DAY.  *eye roll here*

#becausewhynot
#everybodydoesit
#nationalhashtagday
#ithinkhashtagsarelameandlazy
#imonarollhereokaybearwithme
#althoughsometimesitcanbefunny

On this holiday, people should celebrate by LEARNING HOW TO USE THEM.  For the love of Pete, people, please!  (sidebar:  Pete is my niece's cat)

March 23 - National Puppy Day

This is a re-post this from a blog or journal or something years ago, before the Nashville flood took our house, and when we had a special Great Pyrenees named Satchel who came to us back in Atlanta.  When I realized today was National Puppy Day, I could not resist sharing this once again.

They say dogs are colour blind.  But I just don’t know. I think our dog likes pink.

Yesterday I toted a mountain of household paraphernalia all at once in my hands as I all of a sudden (and it was, at that) found it necessary to take them from the den to the kitchen:  a teapot, a mystery book, a fireplace lighter, a tea cup, a tea saucer, an empty glass, a gardening book, and some lotion.   It had been an extremely busy day with my class prep and tutoring or I have simply been lacking in entertainment, because to be honest, I was quite amused and entertained by my own balancing act.  Ah, the gift of functional limbs.  I should be grateful!

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my dog.

As I carried my bounty up the stairs I glanced casually through the picture window and I caught the canine in an interesting position.  He was on his back, under our tulip magnolia tree.  This is not an odd position for any dog, of course – what was unusual for him was that he wasn’t sleeping.  He was staring up at the pink blossoms and flicking his paws sporadically in the air, as if he were waving to the birds on the feeder.  Oh yes, he was probably flicking away wee insects that bother him so or very possibly responding to a reflex from lying on his back like that.  But I swear it looked like he was communicating with the aviation in our yard.  At any rate, the big guy was clearly enjoying himself.  He was staring up at one particular limb, looking up and down, and (I am not making this up) he was smiling. 

Immediately, my cargo became a burden.  A whiny little girl voice spoke inside me:  I want to lie down and stare up at birdies and pink pedals!  That bundle of supplies I skillfully carried in my hands was a great reflection of how much we (okay, I) try to juggle in daily life.  We try to do everything at once, gathering it all in our hot little fists and patting ourselves on the back for being so ambitious.  Oh, nothing is wrong with ambition, no.  I admire it and often try it!  But for me, at that particular moment in my yesterday, I was so blindingly busy with work that I thought it would actually be easier to get one hundred things to the kitchen at one time.  So I tried - and failed.  But the reason I failed is because I put down my bits and pieces of unimportant stuff and joined my dog on the grass, under the magnolia tree.  Here is what we saw:

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”  Henry David Thoreau

“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a flying:  And this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying.”  Robert Herrick (To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time, 1635)

“Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”  Matthew 6:29-30 (Holy Bible)

Oh, I got my work done with time to spare.  Thanks to Satchel, with whom I shared a much needed refreshing moment under our tulip magnolia.

March 22 - National Goof Off Day

This holiday was created by a girl who heard her grandfather on the radio station asking people to call in with ideas.  She disguised her voice and called in with NATIONAL GOOF OFF DAY.  Everyone got a kick out of it, but it hit the papers.  Because GUESS WHAT? Everyone needs goof off days.  Working too hard for too long makes you LESS productive and there it has been proven by many medical sources (and my lazy self) that one is generally MUCH more productive at home.  No, really.  For example, Dr. John Perry, author of "The Art of Procrastination" explains a good method for leveraging your laziness.  He says that they key is to make more commitments, but be methodical about it.  At the top of your list put the most daunting tasks and down later on the list put the tasks that really matters.  Doing these things becomes a way of NOT doing the things higher up on the list!  This makes SENSE to me!  I have been doing this with my Any.Do app for months.  And it is amazing how much I am now getting done.

So, go on vacation more, people.  Take more naps like Einstein did.  And hang out with friends.  Goof off a little.  With a positive perspective on the outcome, that is not lazy at all.  It's downright productive!

March 21 - National Memory Day

I am, as usual, not making this up, but ... I seriously forgot about this blog for 10 days.  Seriously.  I am not making this up!  Wait, I said that already.  *sigh*  In celebration, I caught up on a few days I had missed on this blog and am totally lying about the actual dates of some of these posts.  ;-)  In celebration of this day I will put myself on the list for an EKG.

March 20 - Alien Abduction Day (no, I am not making this up)

Keep an eye on the sky, it is E.T. day or something.  Apparently there is no clear record of how this day was created ... I've looked all over for it and only found one claim that it may (or may not have) started in Toronto ... so ... IT IS PROBABLY AN ALIEN PLOT!  RUN AND HIDE!  With an educated guess as to who may have very possibly been abducted by aliens with their souls and brains replaced, I would say in religion there is Robert Tilton and in politics there is, well, no doubt, The Donald.  Hey wait, if the last one is an alien, that should make him ILLEGAL, right??  ;-)

I could not help myself on any of these and I need to make this one short, so there you are.  I'll end on a positive note and say that if an alien actually took over Robin Williams, whose comedy was so otherworldly that he got his start as an alien on tv, I would say THANK YOU to those extraterrestrials.  As for those in the previous paragraph, I would put in a request to please take them back.  ;-)

Okay, I'm done now.

March 19 - Let's Laugh Day!

Observed annually around the world, March 19th is National Let’s Laugh Day.

Our neighbours across the street took this photo for us because
this happy woodpecker was in our own front yard!

How appropriate that our neighbours across the street just sent me this photo of the pleated woodpecker who comes to us every spring.  Here he is, enjoying himself in our yard.  We have all heard the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine."  This is the day to take your medicine.  As we all know, laughter can also be contagious.  Even faking it seems to have some benefits.  Classes called “laughter yoga” engage the abdominal muscles, lungs, arms and facial muscles while using humor to get us laughing to cure what ails us.  In the same vein, we do this at the beginning and end of my tai chi class.  One time we ALL started cracking up and that's how class ended.

So simple it is easy to miss, laughter (of course) moves BY INTERTIA toward the heart.  “Deep diaphragmatic breathing stimulates the cleansing of the lymph system by creating a vacuum effect which pulls the lymph through the bloodstream. This increases the rate of toxic elimination by as much as 15 times the normal rate.” – Dr. J.W. Shields, MD (Dr. J.W. Shields, MD, Lymph, lymph glands, and homeostasis. Lymphology, v25, n4, December 1992, p. 147.)

So, to improve my heart, I am going to read some Dave Barry or something.  And, I am going to put HUMOUR as another subtitle in my book groups on my Kindle.  Why this has not happened before is beyond me.  And, now to put some books in there.  Here goes:

1. Torn Trousers:  A True Story of Courage and Adventure (by Andrew St. Pierre and Gwynn White - how a couple sacrificed everything to escape to paradise 
2. Chickens, Mules, and Two Old Fools (by Victoria Twead) - culture shock as chicken farmers in Spain
3. Beat Slay Love:  One Chef's Hunger for Delicious Revenge (by six people I have never heard of but sound like they have hilarious stories) - I dunno, I like mysteries but this is written by five people and it's supposed to be hilarious ... at least that's what the authors say LOL
4. Something Missing:  A Novel (by Matthew Dicks) - A career criminal with OCD tendencies ... Monk off his meds?  I dunno, but it looks interesting
5. The Toaster Oven Mocks Me (by Steve Margolis) - apparently (and according tooooo ... maybe the author's own plug on Amazon?) a humorous memoir that chronicles Steve’s discovery, concealment, and eventual acceptance of synesthesia; a peculiar condition where one sense is stimulated, and two senses respond. 
6. Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch?  Middle Age, Modern Marriage, and Other Complications (byVikki Claflin) -- yeah, I just liked the hilarious title and it's about women my age, so why not?  Wish me luck!
7. That Bear Ate My Pants!  Adventures of a real Idiot Abroad (by Tony James Slater) - a travel book that sounds like a real hoot, so here goes ...
8. I'd Rather Wear Pajamas (by Chelsea Flagg) -  I get this.  I hope it doesn't suck.

These last two were recommended by my Kiwi friends.

• The Laughing Policeman:  My Brilliant Career in the New Zealand Police, BOOK 1 (by Glenn Wood) 

• The Soaring Kiwi and the Sauerkraut (by Phil Southward)

I wonder how long it will take me to get through all eleven books?  Maybe I'll write about it.  Oh wait.  ;-)  

Anyone need a quicker giggle?  Remember Uncle Alfred in this old gem from Walt Disney?  

 

March 18 - Awkward Moments Day

Since I'm so good at HAVING awkward moments (I think I have a list somewhere), I thought it might be appropriate to actually CREATE one today.  I am in a coffee shop waiting for a friend.  First, I am going to say, "Thanks, you too!" when the server tells me to enjoy my coffee.  Next, I am going to wave at everyone like I know them.  Okay and....*waits 20 minutes*....DONE!

MARCH 17 - St. Patrick's Day

Today is March 17 and I am wearing the obligable Irish green shirt ... um, of course it has an image of a black kitten in a clover field. There's that.  I was born down under but I am a U.S. citizen.  The closest I've come to Ireland is my "aunt Margaret" ... who came here to live in Texas about the time St. Patrick's Day started to be more widely celebrated in the U.S. (read:  businesses wanted to sell more stuff), the late sixties.

Anyway, I think most of us realize that how North Americans celebrate St. Patrick isn't remotely how the Irish choose to celebrate said saint ... who was actually a Brit that only ended up in Ireland because he was kidnapped and sold into slavery ... at least he did turn that around by working as a missionary after said trauma. In short, he helped bring Christianity to England and attempted to abolish paganism.   An ensuing metaphor was the generated that he "drove the snakes out of Ireland" ... hence an erroneous legend that they were literal snakes.

SO!  Irish soldiers and immigrants came to the states and brought the holiday with them. Irish nationals may raise a beer at one point during the day (I believe on this day Lenten restrictions are waived), but he is generally celebrated in Ireland by going to church.     He is, however, generally celebrated in the U.S. by what we assume the Irish do on St. Patrick's Day ... get drunk and dye rivers green.  We're bastards like that.

But aren't we all bastards in a way?   And isn't that what is cool about living in North America?  I am not even sure I got all this straight in the first place.

For example, many are told that four leaf clovers are lucky -- I've always looked for them.  Maybe I shouldn't concern myself with the fourth leaf and instead enjoy the three leaves that traditionally represented the holy trinity.  For me, anytime I add myself to the mix, life gets all wonky anyway.

MARCH 16 - National Everything You Do Is Right Day AND Freedom of Information Day

I'm kinda having a bad day, no, bad week kinda, so I am going to share some weird tidbits I don't share with people in order to celebrate both days mentioned in the title.  Not that you care.  And I'm totally okay with you not reading this at all.  Like my Eeyore impression?

Anyhoo, I'm allergic to traditionally cured leather.  I immediately reread an email the  very second after I'd sent it ... much like I also immediately fish out stuff I've thrown in the trash because I've forgotten how to cook it (I do this one a lot).  I sometimes shout for no reason when I know noone is around.  If I am on some kind of numbered-jersey team I will ALWAYS choose 34.  I don't laugh out loud much, but the movie Spinal Tap makes me do it every time.  And I like window frames quite a lot. Aaaaaaaand last but not least, if your zit has gotten out of hand, I won't ask, but if you let me, I'd totally pop it for you - and enjoy this.

These are things I don't believe I have ever shared with anyone.  My husband only knows two of these for sure and would probably nod in non-surprise at the rest of them.  So, in the spirit of freedom of information AND everything I do is right ... there it is.  And I'm totally justified for my bad week too.  PFFT!!

March 15 - BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!

Okay, it is March 15, 2016 as I write this ... and I am making sure I have a good view of the rest of the house.  It originally became creepy because of the Romans' heeby-jeeby like superstitions about the turning point in Spring (see Julius Caesar soothsayer), supposedly determined by the full moon which comes out about this time.  Sure, it is a widely held (although fairly unjustified) belief in some kind of supernatural causation leading to certain consequences, but hey, I might as well be careful of all things suspicious, yes?  We-e-e-e-l-l-l-l, as per Shakespeare's take on it, Caesar said of the soothsayer, "He is a dreamer; let us leave him," I was thinking he could have just heeded the warning and watched his next choices and steps.  For example, it is also EVERYTHING YOU THINK IS WRONG DAY along with BUZZARDS DAY.  Even though these are fairly inauspicious holidays. with the thought that the Ides as a time of transition, I am going to choose to take heed by thinking this way:

Everything You Think is Wrong Day cracks me up ... but you know, it might also be a good day to try and avoid using the words “I think ...”, especially on social media!  This particular day may be a time for all to contemplate our own lack of knowledge.  It is okay that one does not know everything, and if there is a need to feel as if you do, hold on. Tomorrow will be here soon and then once again, you can think that you do!  Ya know?  ;-)

Yes, the latter, Buzzards Day, is a real thing.  There are a pocket of people who celebrate these turkey vultures.  This annual celebration of a bird whose circling overhead which (was a signal to the cowboys of old that a once living creature had met its demise) seems strange to say the least!  But, you know what?  I do appreciate the folks on the positive side of this holiday who propose that this graceful, winged creature with its bald head and red beak signals, not death, but rebirth.  There are even joyous family celebrations who attend a Buzzard Sunday for festive family fun that celebrates the return of this flying precursor to spring.

Death and rebirth.

I like that.  Do you know, I do?  Put it on my luggage.

MARCH 14 - National Pi Day

I know it is not thanksgiving, but this is what my mathematician husband wears on a the fourth Thursday in November ... because I got it for him and he's nice enough to give me the nod.  Yep, while it is also true that PIE is yummy, it is also round in shape ... which is significant.  Forgive my mind, which gears itself toward the creative (meaning I can only say this from memory, thanks to theatre).  PI is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter - a mathematical constant I know nothing about but is approximately equal to 3.14 and a lot of other never-ending numbers.   So, yeah.  It is widely used by engineers, teachers, students and others of their ilk to solve math problems.  My husband is one of those.  Oh and then, and speaking of ilk, there is also one of my theatre buds and dear pal Daniel who probably not only understands this, but may have at least a very good portion of it memorized.  Damn you, creative friend who also happens to be smart.  And also Julie, a numbers-brain who is truly a fantastic writer (although I'm not sure if she agrees).  Damn, you, I say!  I mean, um, ding dang you?  ANYway, I am going to now throw a PI in your face.  *snort*  See what I did there?  Yes, yes,  I know you did.  I've just noticed that people like to end comments in such a way when they are desperate for attention or feeling needy.  Today though all I really need is PIE.  Someone come make me one NOW; I'm on a diet.  Aww shoot, it's also National Potato Chip Day???  *crunch*

OH yeah, it's also the birthday of Albert Einstein.  Seriously.  I am not making this up.

March 13 - OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS DAY

Actually, it is also National Jewel Day.  Pfft!  Who on earth submitted that to be a national holiday?  Jewelers?  Forget it.  I am going to go with (and I am not making this up -- hi, Julie) ... it is freaking national OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS DAY.  Yay!!  Superstitions be ding-danged, right before a lucky holiday like St. Patty's Day, the powers that be (again, whoevertheyare) are giving the general public the liberty to ... well, FEEL liberated! So, dude.  open those umbrellas.  Prance around your office like Gene Kelly would have done had he had the cajones to open an umbrella indoors.  Are you a school teacher?  Prance down the hall; I just dare ya.  Are you in a cubicle?  Go into the bathroom, flush the toilet, and prance out with your parasol.  Go to each co-worker and with your best dirty Harry impression say, "Feelin' lucky, punk?"  and open it up with panache.  I think I love this holiday.  Forget luck, you're blessed.  Right?  Riiiiiight?????  RIGHT!!!!!!!!

March 12 - Alfred Hitchcock Day!!

I could talk about this one for days,  It also happens to be Organize Your Home Office Day, which is also absolutely tempting, but since doing that would feed my compulsions that could last for hours ... instead I will chat about THREE random things I know concerning ol' Al.

1.  I know he was scared of cops because his dad had some officer lock him in a cell for several hours when he was a tike of six years old.  I don't know the details, but ... yikes.  I wonder what he did to deserve it ... but, haha, I sure bet he did!

2.  I know he continuously pranked his actors like sending Peter Lorre a suit that was even too tiny for the small actor or sending Tippi Hedren's daughter a birthday doll of her mother dressed in The Birds costume ... in a wee coffin.  REALLY???  Oh yeah, has anyone ever considered remaking that movie with that little girl as the lead?  Her name is Melanie Griffith and I don't THINK she is too old to play that role ... can be done by a 50-something, right?  ;-)

3.  I know, okay, everybody knows that he made random (okay 37) cameos in many (ok, 57) films.  But I have this that I put together to have it running during an Alfred Hitchcock Halloween party we threw and I think it is pretty cool.  It's a collection of cameos bookended with bit of fun trivia and a Hitchcock/Disney guessing game.  OH well.  Enjoy.  If you're really bored at work, that is ...

MARCH 11 - Johnny Appleseed Day

Johnny Appleseed is a folk hero based on frontier nurseryman John Chapman, who established orchards throughout the American Midwest.  He was born on September 26, 1774, in Leominster, Massachusetts. Chapman was an eccentric frontier nurseryman who established orchards throughout the American Midwest. He became the basis of the folk hero Johnny Appleseed, who has been the subject of countless stories, movies and works of art. Chapman died of pneumonia on March 18, 1845 in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Okay, that is the short version.  And now, in honour of Chapman, here is everything I know about apples.

1.  They are grown in every single state in the US ... apparently thanks to this overzealous dude.
2,  God didn't make little green apples....was sung by the same guy who played Alan A'Dale, the minstrel rooster in Walt Disney's Robin Hood, who dissed Walt Disneyland in the same song, if ya think about it. lol
3.  The best apples IN THE WORLD are grown in New Zealand ... Granny Smith apples, which, I know, are grown elsewhere, but gimme a bias to my birthplace.
4.  I eat a LOT of them if I ever, errrrm ... "need fiber."  Otherwise, I'm not very good at eating them. The average person eats about 65 apples each year.  I am not average.  I fail this statistic.  Well, until I have to poop.
5.  There is a "fear of apples."  It is called malusdomesticaphobia.  I've known it exists, but I have to look it up every time to confirm the name (for obvious reasons, I mean malusdomesticaphobia, really?).  Anyway, I have looked it up to see if I had it.  I don't.  I have onlywanttheminapplepie-ia.  They taste great, but they will sit in a bowl for days until I HAVE to make apple pie out of them .. *wink wink*

I'm sure there is way more to know about apples, but I don't know these things ... aaaaaand I don't personally care.  The fact that Johnny Appleseed was probably one dude who was an overzealous preacher gives me no surprise at all.

10 March - LIFE IN THE CRACKS DAY, what?

I did a search for what it means to celebrate life in the cracks and came up with bupkis even though a whole slew of writers explained it down to ... errr ... nothing.

Studies prove that over 80% of all people living on the planet in the last five decades believe life exists in the cracks. Some feel life slips through those cracks. Still, no matter how you look at it, there is a shindig going on in those thin slivers and today’s the day you can join the fun....exploring the world, mind you, not the plumber's butt ... anyway,  I'm trying to decide what to explore today -- how about you?  Today maybe I'll book a trip to somewhere you'd never guess I'd go or maybe I'll just scream, "I WON!!" after getting money out of the ATM.  I can't decide.  And it's too late in the day, so I think I'm just going to go order a Happy Meal at McDonald's ... but I'm going to order it, "...with extra happy."  :-)

"I had to trust life and believe that life loved the person who dared to live it." - Maya Angelou

(and no, I don't know what "studies" prove the 80% thing ... stupid internet)

9 March -- National Panic Day

Admit it, die hard writers, blocks are tough. Where is the inspiration?  Why are my ideas devoid of meaty brilliance??  Sometimes, it just happens.  And happens.  And ... do you notice the lack of consistent publication in my blog dates here?  ;-)  Anyway, in an attempt to write every day, look forward to it, and laugh a little, I have chosen to write about the stupid holidays.  Not the ones we actually like and celebrate semi-worldwide and put on our calendars.  Instead, I have chosen to acknowledge the lame ones that no one gets out of school to celebrate and that someone probably sent in as a request to the powersthatbe-whoevertheyare after they had too much helium with a friend or two. At any rate, here is the first one ... at least for MY year.  The first one seems mildly appropriate since this is also the year I went on panic medication for a time (don't ask ... yet).  Gee, I can't wait for the mildly INappropriate ones!  Anyway ...

NATIONAL PANIC DAY is celebrated on March 09. This day is your chance to push the panic button for all your problems and troubles: be worried and concerned in a panic way!

I am kinda panicking because I just started a blog again, I don't know if I'm going to have the time to write, I have new-ish people in my home, I have to pick up my kid, in like, 5 minutes, I sent in a resume somewhere (AGAIN -- what if I actually get the gig???),  and to top it all off, WHY DO SEVERAL RESOURCES SAY THIS DAY IS IN JUNE???  WHAT?  WHY?  THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.  I HAVE TO PANIC AGAIN IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS?????  (Clearly, that won't be an issue at all.)  I think I have that down like the two step (the only dance I still remember besides the club show from college that I remembered for 13 years until suddenly I couldn't).  Anyway, Arthur Clarke, a british scifi writer, says that Douglas Adams' advice for intergallactic travel ("don't panic") was perhaps the greatest advice that could be given to humanity.  Truth.  I think I'll buy a t-shirt with that on the front.  But wait ... I have too many kitchy t-shirts.  WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY T-SHIRTS?  WHY DO I WANT TO GET ANOTHER ONE WHEN I JUST BOUGHT TWO LAST WEEKEND??  AND OH CRAP I HAVE TO GET TO THE SCHOOL!!  OMG I JUST POSTED PANIC DAY A DAY EARLY YESTERDAY???  ACK I SAID 'ANYWAY' THREE TIMES??

Aaaaaaand, I'm done here.

Happy National Panic Day
AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!